“May all your resolutions last as long as your willpower on a diet.”

“This year, let’s resolve to only lose weight in our bank accounts.”

“New Year’s resolution: To stop procrastinating… starting from next year.”

“My New Year’s resolution is to be less sarcastic… Yeah, right, like that’s gonna happen.”

“Cheers to a new year and another opportunity for me to pretend that I won’t hit the snooze button.”

“New Year’s resolution: To stop pretending that my resolutions from last year are still valid.”

“May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”

“Every New Year is the same: resolutions made and broken, gym memberships purchased and abandoned, diets started and failed. Cheers to consistency!”

“May your to-do list be as empty as your bank account after the holiday season.”

“My New Year’s resolution is to be more positive… but that will probably last about a minute.”

“Let’s greet the New Year with open arms… and closed wallets!”

“New Year, same old me… just a little bit more sarcastic.”

“May your liquor cabinet always be full and your resolutions always be empty.” CHRISTMAS QUOTES REMEMBERING LOVED ONES

“New Year’s resolution: To eat more and exercise less… because let’s face it, nothing tastes as good as pizza feels.”

“This year, I’ve decided to keep it simple and just try to survive.”

“May your success be as temporary as your resolutions.”

“New Year’s resolution: To give up on all my unrealistic expectations.”

“Wishing you a New Year full of Netflix binges, delivery food, and minimal human interaction.”

“My New Year’s resolution is to ignore all the advice about making New Year’s resolutions.”

“New Year’s resolution: To avoid situations where I have to make New Year’s resolutions.”

“Cheers to staying up past midnight on New Year’s Eve… because nothing defines our commitment to change better than starting the year off sleep-deprived.”

“New Year’s resolution: To avoid people who ask about my New Year’s resolutions.”

“May the New Year bring you less Facebook drama, more funny memes, and a healthy dose of sarcasm.”

“Here’s to a New Year full of witty comebacks, epic eye rolls, and endless laughter at life’s absurdities.”